Top 5 Comedy Movie Lines

Messiah Recently in Australia, the insufferable Bert Newton hosted a show counting down the Top 50 movie lines of all time.

There weren’t too many selections I would disagree with, though I thought comedy got a pretty raw deal. So I’m starting a list of the top Comedy Movie lines of all time. I’ll get things rolling with 5 of my favourites, and add to the list from time to time. Please help me out!

In no particular order:

#1 – ‘He’s not the Messiah – he’s a very naughty boy”
Life of Brian

#2 – ‘We’re all streaking to the gym!’
Frank the Tank (Will Ferrell), Old School

#3 – “This one time, at band camp”
American Pie

#4 – “Nice Beaver”. “Thanks, I just had it stuffed!”
Neilsen/Presley, The Naked Gun

#5 -“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
Flying High

Over to you, guys.

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53 Responses to Top 5 Comedy Movie Lines

  1. Malcolm says:

    #6 Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’re ALL individuals!
    The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
    Brian: You’re all different!
    The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
    Life of Brian

  2. Scott Healy says:

    #7. “She doesn’t take the cake; she takes the whole bakery!”
    Shallow Hal.
    #8 “I was so boring my mum and dad ran away from home. They even took the outside toilet”
    Ripping Yarns
    #9 “Forget the crack about the gorilla”
    Get Smart

  3. col gray says:

    #10 EVIL ROY SLADE:
    “Evil Roy – now you’re on the run you’re gunna have to change your name”
    “Change my name? How about Evil John Ferguson…or Evil Lee Rich?”

  4. col gray says:

    #11 – LIFE OF BRIAN:
    “Brian – there’s something I have to tell you, your father was really a Roman”
    “So you were raped then?”
    “Well…at first…”

  5. col gray says:

    #12 – THE MEANING OF LIFE:
    “I didn’t even eat the moose”

  6. col gray says:

    #13 – THE MEANING OF LIFE:
    “How are you today sir”
    “Better”
    “Better?”
    “Better get a bucket, I’m gunna throw up”


    Not to mention Mr Creosote’s ‘wafer thin mint’

  7. kathryn gray says:

    #14 – CROCODILE DUNDEE
    thats not a knife this is a knife!

    Hello, Goddaughter. Welcome to my site – BC

  8. Scott Healy says:

    #15 “I have a fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus”
    Life of Brian

  9. Scott Healy says:

    #16 “Moisture ….. the essence of wetness”
    Zoolander

  10. clarkebruce says:

    #17 – Flying High
    Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
    Joey: No sir, I’ve never been up in a plane before.
    Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?

  11. clarkebruce says:

    #18 – There’s Something About Mary

    [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]
    Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
    Ted: I don’t know, both I guess.

    Mary’s Step-Father: Oh man! How’d you get the beans above the frank?

  12. clarkebruce says:

    #19 – There’s Something About Mary

    Mary: Is that… is that hair gel?

  13. clarkebruce says:

    #20 – John Tutturo in Mr Deeds

    ‘Sir, I think you underestimated my sneakiness!’

  14. clarkebruce says:

    #21 – The Wedding Singer

    Linda: The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I’m about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!
    Robbie: Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it’s the perfect place to raise a family.
    Linda: Oh, yeah – sure! Living in your sister’s basement with five kids while you’re off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin’ sixty bucks a pop?
    Robbie: Once again, things that could’ve been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

  15. Col Gray says:

    #22 – Blazing Saddles:
    “How about some more beans Mr Taggart?”
    “I’d say you’ve had enough.”

  16. Scott Healy says:

    #23 – “We’ve got a bleeder!!”
    There’s Something About Mary

  17. roaf says:

    #24 – I’m rather fond of “I’m gonna rip out your eyes and piss on your brain” but I can’t remember the movie. Maybe Robocop or Beverly Hills Cop or something.

    It’s from Trading Places. Nice get! (I had to look it up on IMDB)

  18. Scott Healy says:

    #25 – “It’s only a flesh wound”
    Monty Python and the Holy Grail

  19. clarkebruce says:

    A few classics from The Castle

    #26 – That is going straight to the pool room!
    Darryl Kerrigan

    #27 Darryl Kerrigan: Dale dug a hole. Tell ’em Dale.
    Dale Kerrigan: I dug a hole.

    #28 – Dale Kerrigan: [voiceover] He loved the serenity of the place
    Darryl Kerrigan: Hows the serenity?
    Dale Kerrigan: [voiceover] I think he also just loved the word.
    Darryl Kerrigan: So much serenity.

    #29 – Dennis Denuto: It’s the vibe of the thing, your Honor.

  20. clarkebruce says:

    And a few from Zoolander

    #30 – Derek Zoolander: At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there’s more to life than being really, really good looking.

    #31 – Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

    #32 – Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.
    Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough]
    Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!

  21. clarkebruce says:

    #33 – ‘Bueller… Bueller…’ – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

  22. clarkebruce says:

    Anchorman

    #34 Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
    Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
    Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
    Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
    Ron Burgundy: No. No.
    Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
    Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

  23. clarkebruce says:

    Dodgeball

    #35 – Patches O’Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
    Justin: What?
    [Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]

    #36 Patches O’Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!

  24. Scott Healy says:

    #37 – “Missed by that much!”
    Get Smart

    #38 – “Would you believe….”
    Get Smart

  25. Scott Healy says:

    Some classics from Caddyshack..

    #39 – “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”

    #40 – “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”

    #41 “Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

    #42 – “Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.”

  26. Col Gray says:

    #41 (Encore performance)

    Somebody step on a duck?
    Caddyshack.

  27. Col Gray says:

    #43

    Buy a hat like that and you get a free bowl of soup…looks good on you though…
    Caddyshack.

  28. col gray says:

    #44 – Caddyshack again.
    Judge Smells:
    I’ve sent men younger than you to the gas chamber, I didn’t want to do it, I felt I owed it to them.

  29. clarkebruce says:

    #45 – They’re not pillows!!!!

    Planes Trains and Automobiles

    Courtesy of Tim

  30. Scott Healy says:

    ..and from Top Secret

    #46 –
    Nick Rivers: Hillary. That’s an unusual name.
    Hillary Flammond: It’s a German name. It means ‘she whose bosoms defy gravity’.
    Nick Rivers: I’m pleased to meet you. My name’s Nick.
    Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?
    Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

    #47 –
    [Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]
    Nick Rivers: What’s wrong with him?
    Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he’s just a little hoarse.

    ..and from Kingpin (Ten pin bowling Hustlers in the Amish community)

    #48 –

    Roy: Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
    Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay.
    Roy: Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a hint what it is. It’s round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it.
    Ishmael: You leave Rebecca out of this.

    #49 –
    [refering to Roy’s hook for a hand]
    Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
    Ishmael: You have a monkey?

    ..and a special for #50 –

    Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
    [Takes a drink from the bucket]
    Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.
    Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth.

  31. Col Gray says:

    Blazing Saddles:
    #51 – Quote from Heady Lemaar (no, my name’s Headley)
    My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives…

  32. Col Gray says:

    #52 – Where’s Tim Clarke when you need him?
    Tim came to the footy with me the other week and he came up with the classic line from Dodge Ball,
    “Is it necessary to drink my own urine?”

  33. Col Gray says:

    #53 – Crucifixion?
    Good. One cross each, line on the left…

  34. Col Gray says:

    #54 – Blazing Saddles.
    Quote from Heady Lemaar (No, my name’s Headley)
    My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

  35. Col Gray says:

    #55 – Blazing Saddles.
    Another quote form Heady Lemaar (No – it’s Headley)
    “My mind is a glow, whirling with transeant nodes of thought, creaming through a cosmic vapour of invention”

  36. Col Gray says:

    #56 – Revenge of the nerds.
    Nerd’s dad.
    “I’ve got the old cruise control set on 35.”

  37. Scott Healy says:

    #57 – National Lampoon’s Vacation

    Cousin Vicki: I’m going steady, and I French kiss.
    Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
    Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.

    #58 – National Lampoon’s Vacation

    Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya’ got Pac Man?
    Cousin Dale: No.
    Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Space Invaders?
    Cousin Dale: Nope.
    Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Asteroids?
    Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can’t even sit on the toilet some days.

    #59 – National Lampoon’s Vacation

    Cousin Eddie: I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark?
    Clark: You’re the gourmet around here, Eddie.

    #60 – National Lampoon’s Vacation

    Cousin Dale – You ever bopped your baloney?

  38. clarkebruce says:

    Those are classics.

    #61 More from Vacation … ‘I think he’s going to pork her, Russ’

  39. Scott Healy says:

    #62 – Blackadder (regarding members of the RAF)
    They might go up diddly up up, but they’re all gits

  40. […] popular post: Top 5 Comedy Lines 118 views & 39 […]

  41. […] by bdunc1 on June 9th, 2007 Thanks to Bruce for passing along this little gem listing the greatest one-liners of all […]

  42. AJ says:

    Police Squad:

    Bad guy (can’t remember his name): “Who are you, and how did you get in here?”

    Lt Frank Drebbin: “I’m a locksmith. And… I’m a locksmith.”

  43. […] Check out this post for other great movie lines. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Oscar Watch: Final Predicts by Anne ThompsonThe Bourne Ultimatum on DVD […]

  44. awesomnicity says:

    the boondock saints. name one thing we need the stupid fucking rope for
    is it dead?

  45. jtl1687 says:

    Grandma’s boy
    David Spade: Hi, im shylo and ill be your waiter this evening
    Alex: I’m sorry did you say your name is shylo?
    David: Yes Shylo
    Jeff: Thats weird
    Samantha: Jeff!
    Jeff: What its weird
    Alex: He meant gay

  46. drock says:

    From Dumb & Dumber

    What are the chances of a girl like you endind up with a guy like me?

    Well, um…

    I came all this way to see you. The least you could do is level with me. One in a thousand?

    More like one in a million.

    So you’re telling me there’s a chance!

  47. drock says:

    From The Hangover:

    Are you even legally allowed to hold a baby?

    Yes! It’s not like I’ve never found a baby before.

    Where did you find a baby?

    At a Coffee Bean.

  48. drock says:

    Also from the Hangover:

    Hey guys, is Haley’s Comet out tonight?

    I don’t think so. It only comes around like once every hundred years.

    But you’re not sure?

    No

  49. […] Top 5 Co&#109edy Movie Lines « Wri&#116e On! […]

  50. georgie cameron says:

    “Oh, Nigel, it must have been awful for you”
    “I know a little german, he’s sitting over there!”
    “It was a slaughter, we’ll have to put an end to these Sunday afternoon football matches”.

    The list is neverending from the movie Top Secret

  51. Sam Sampson says:

    “There’s nothing more exhilerating in life than pointing out the short comings of others is there?” – Randall

    “Sometimes I wish I did more in life than just standing outside of places…”-Jay

    -Clerks

  52. Louise says:

    can’t believe nobody’s thought of “wax on, wax off” Karate kid 🙂 x

  53. Jeff H says:

    My favorite is from Liar Liar:

    Her: Was it good for you?
    Carey: I’ve had better!

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