Recently in Australia, the insufferable Bert Newton hosted a show counting down the Top 50 movie lines of all time.
There weren’t too many selections I would disagree with, though I thought comedy got a pretty raw deal. So I’m starting a list of the top Comedy Movie lines of all time. I’ll get things rolling with 5 of my favourites, and add to the list from time to time. Please help me out!
In no particular order:
#1 – ‘He’s not the Messiah – he’s a very naughty boy”
Life of Brian
#2 – ‘We’re all streaking to the gym!’
Frank the Tank (Will Ferrell), Old School
#3 – “This one time, at band camp”
American Pie
#4 – “Nice Beaver”. “Thanks, I just had it stuffed!”
Neilsen/Presley, The Naked Gun
#5 -”I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
Flying High
Over to you, guys.
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#6 Brian: Look, you’ve got it all wrong! You don’t NEED to follow ME, You don’t NEED to follow ANYBODY! You’ve got to think for yourselves! You’re ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We’re all individuals!
Brian: You’re all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Life of Brian
#7. “She doesn’t take the cake; she takes the whole bakery!”
Shallow Hal.
#8 “I was so boring my mum and dad ran away from home. They even took the outside toilet”
Ripping Yarns
#9 “Forget the crack about the gorilla”
Get Smart
#10 EVIL ROY SLADE:
“Evil Roy – now you’re on the run you’re gunna have to change your name”
“Change my name? How about Evil John Ferguson…or Evil Lee Rich?”
#11 – LIFE OF BRIAN:
“Brian – there’s something I have to tell you, your father was really a Roman”
“So you were raped then?”
“Well…at first…”
#12 – THE MEANING OF LIFE:
“I didn’t even eat the moose”
#13 – THE MEANING OF LIFE:
“How are you today sir”
“Better”
“Better?”
“Better get a bucket, I’m gunna throw up”
Not to mention Mr Creosote’s ‘wafer thin mint’
#14 – CROCODILE DUNDEE
thats not a knife this is a knife!
Hello, Goddaughter. Welcome to my site – BC
#15 “I have a fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus”
Life of Brian
#16 “Moisture ….. the essence of wetness”
Zoolander
#17 – Flying High
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I’ve never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
#18 – There’s Something About Mary
[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]
Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: I don’t know, both I guess.
Mary’s Step-Father: Oh man! How’d you get the beans above the frank?
#19 – There’s Something About Mary
Mary: Is that… is that hair gel?
#20 – John Tutturo in Mr Deeds
‘Sir, I think you underestimated my sneakiness!’
#21 – The Wedding Singer
Linda: The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I’m about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!
Robbie: Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it’s the perfect place to raise a family.
Linda: Oh, yeah – sure! Living in your sister’s basement with five kids while you’re off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin’ sixty bucks a pop?
Robbie: Once again, things that could’ve been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
#22 – Blazing Saddles:
“How about some more beans Mr Taggart?”
“I’d say you’ve had enough.”
#23 – “We’ve got a bleeder!!”
There’s Something About Mary
#24 – I’m rather fond of “I’m gonna rip out your eyes and piss on your brain” but I can’t remember the movie. Maybe Robocop or Beverly Hills Cop or something.
It’s from Trading Places. Nice get! (I had to look it up on IMDB)
#25 – “It’s only a flesh wound”
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
A few classics from The Castle
#26 – That is going straight to the pool room!
Darryl Kerrigan
#27 Darryl Kerrigan: Dale dug a hole. Tell ‘em Dale.
Dale Kerrigan: I dug a hole.
#28 – Dale Kerrigan: [voiceover] He loved the serenity of the place
Darryl Kerrigan: Hows the serenity?
Dale Kerrigan: [voiceover] I think he also just loved the word.
Darryl Kerrigan: So much serenity.
#29 – Dennis Denuto: It’s the vibe of the thing, your Honor.
And a few from Zoolander
#30 – Derek Zoolander: At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there’s more to life than being really, really good looking.
#31 – Maury Ballstein: Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
#32 – Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough]
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man!
#33 – ‘Bueller… Bueller…’ – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Anchorman
#34 Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Dodgeball
#35 – Patches O’Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin: What?
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]
#36 Patches O’Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!
#37 – “Missed by that much!”
Get Smart
#38 – “Would you believe….”
Get Smart
Some classics from Caddyshack..
#39 – “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”
#40 – “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”
#41 “Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
#42 – “Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.”
#41 (Encore performance)
Somebody step on a duck?
Caddyshack.
#43
Buy a hat like that and you get a free bowl of soup…looks good on you though…
Caddyshack.
#44 – Caddyshack again.
Judge Smells:
I’ve sent men younger than you to the gas chamber, I didn’t want to do it, I felt I owed it to them.
#45 – They’re not pillows!!!!
Planes Trains and Automobiles
Courtesy of Tim
..and from Top Secret
#46 -
Nick Rivers: Hillary. That’s an unusual name.
Hillary Flammond: It’s a German name. It means ‘she whose bosoms defy gravity’.
Nick Rivers: I’m pleased to meet you. My name’s Nick.
Hillary Flammond: Nick? What does that mean?
Nick Rivers: Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.
#47 –
[Nick and Hillary arrive at the Potato Farm. Shetland pony is coughing]
Nick Rivers: What’s wrong with him?
Wagon Driver: Oh, he caught a cold last week and he’s just a little hoarse.
..and from Kingpin (Ten pin bowling Hustlers in the Amish community)
#48 –
Roy: Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It’s okay.
Roy: Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I’ll give you a hint what it is. It’s round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it.
Ishmael: You leave Rebecca out of this.
#49 –
[refering to Roy's hook for a hand]
Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
Ishmael: You have a monkey?
..and a special for #50 –
Roy: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew.
[Takes a drink from the bucket]
Mr. Boorg: We don’t have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I’m gonna brush my teeth.
Blazing Saddles:
#51 – Quote from Heady Lemaar (no, my name’s Headley)
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives…
#52 – Where’s Tim Clarke when you need him?
Tim came to the footy with me the other week and he came up with the classic line from Dodge Ball,
“Is it necessary to drink my own urine?”
#53 – Crucifixion?
Good. One cross each, line on the left…
#54 – Blazing Saddles.
Quote from Heady Lemaar (No, my name’s Headley)
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought, cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
#55 – Blazing Saddles.
Another quote form Heady Lemaar (No – it’s Headley)
“My mind is a glow, whirling with transeant nodes of thought, creaming through a cosmic vapour of invention”
#56 – Revenge of the nerds.
Nerd’s dad.
“I’ve got the old cruise control set on 35.”
#57 – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Cousin Vicki: I’m going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I’m the best at it.
#58 – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya’ got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can’t even sit on the toilet some days.
#59 – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Cousin Eddie: I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark?
Clark: You’re the gourmet around here, Eddie.
#60 – National Lampoon’s Vacation
Cousin Dale – You ever bopped your baloney?
Those are classics.
#61 More from Vacation … ‘I think he’s going to pork her, Russ’
#62 – Blackadder (regarding members of the RAF)
They might go up diddly up up, but they’re all gits
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Police Squad:
Bad guy (can’t remember his name): “Who are you, and how did you get in here?”
Lt Frank Drebbin: “I’m a locksmith. And… I’m a locksmith.”
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the boondock saints. name one thing we need the stupid fucking rope for
is it dead?
Grandma’s boy
David Spade: Hi, im shylo and ill be your waiter this evening
Alex: I’m sorry did you say your name is shylo?
David: Yes Shylo
Jeff: Thats weird
Samantha: Jeff!
Jeff: What its weird
Alex: He meant gay
From Dumb & Dumber
What are the chances of a girl like you endind up with a guy like me?
Well, um…
I came all this way to see you. The least you could do is level with me. One in a thousand?
More like one in a million.
So you’re telling me there’s a chance!
From The Hangover:
Are you even legally allowed to hold a baby?
Yes! It’s not like I’ve never found a baby before.
Where did you find a baby?
At a Coffee Bean.
Also from the Hangover:
Hey guys, is Haley’s Comet out tonight?
I don’t think so. It only comes around like once every hundred years.
But you’re not sure?
No
[...] Top 5 Comedy Movie Lines « Write On! [...]
“Oh, Nigel, it must have been awful for you”
“I know a little german, he’s sitting over there!”
“It was a slaughter, we’ll have to put an end to these Sunday afternoon football matches”.
The list is neverending from the movie Top Secret
“There’s nothing more exhilerating in life than pointing out the short comings of others is there?” – Randall
“Sometimes I wish I did more in life than just standing outside of places…”-Jay
-Clerks
can’t believe nobody’s thought of “wax on, wax off” Karate kid
x
My favorite is from Liar Liar:
Her: Was it good for you?
Carey: I’ve had better!